Today Brandon shared the story of how he first became addicted to porn. Spoiler alert: it’s a pretty common one!

Like many people, Brandon was first shown pornography in childhood. In The Porn Phenomenon, a study conducted by the Barna Group in 2016, 49% of teens ages 13-17 accidentally came across porn at least once a month… and 37% intentionally sought it out at least that often. Brandon was younger than that when he was exposed—he was only 12 when a friend first showed him pornography. That’s an incredibly common experience. According to Jay Stringer, author of the book Unwanted, 50% of adults dealing with unwanted sexual behavior were introduced to pornography by a peer during childhood. (If you have been plagued by porn since a young age, now is the time to take an important step toward freedom. And you won’t be alone on the journey. Click here to sign up for the free 30-day trial of Covenant Eyes today: https://rb.gy/gb9zkn

Moreover, Brandon’s parents were pretty silent about sex. Again, this is incredibly common among porn users. 50% of his study participants said they never had conversations with their mothers about sex, and 60% never had conversations with their fathers.

Let’s spend a minute talking about that. Researchers have found that in general, parental involvement and closeness has a huge impact on the mental and emotional health of their children later in life. This is known as the Attachment Theory. The more secure your attachment to your parents, the happier and healthier you are as an adult, and the more resilient you are to pain and trauma. No parent is perfect, of course, but when a parent makes themselves available to discuss the difficult things, like porn and sexuality, the more likely the child is to make wise decisions about those things.

Unfortunately, when otherwise-fantastic parents avoid discussing sex and porn or react badly to the discovery of porn use without the opportunity for conversation, kids are only driven deeper into shame and learn to hide their behaviors. This is what happened with Brandon. His parents never discussed sex or porn, so he figured it was fine.

Some of you may have had almost the opposite sort of parent as this. It’s rarer, especially in faith-based homes, but sometimes a parent attaches to their child in an unhealthy way, turning them into the confidante. Usually this happens in unhealthy marriages; one parent feels like they can no longer turn to the other for emotional support, so they turn to the child instead. Children often turn to porn as an act of rebellion and a way to assert independence from the parent.

By the way, some of you may be parents, and you may recognize some unhealthy ways you’re parenting your own kids as a result of this. It’s not too late to change! Download our free ebook Connected for more information on how to heal your attachments within your immediate family.

To Discuss

Today, we want the porn-using partner to talk about what their family was like and how they first discovered pornography. Before you start talking, though, remember a few things. First, it’s hard to unpack your childhood. Depending on how messy your family was, it may take years to truly unravel everything that happened. You may want to focus on the big-picture patterns, or you may want to focus on one or two core memories. Second, it’s not about trash-talking the parents. Even the best parents mess up, and the worst parents may have done something right.

Spouses, use these questions to try to understand what happened and empathize with the child who got set up for porn use. Remember, your goal here is to listen well.

1) Did anything about Brandon’s story stick out? Was there anything you could relate to?

2) How was your relationship with your parents? Did they talk to you about sex?

3) When did you first discover porn? Without being graphic, what went through your mind? Did your parents find out, and if so what happened?

4) Read Deuteronomy 6:4-9 together. What does this imply about the relationship parents are supposed to have with their children?

Deuteronomy 6:4-9

Listen, Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your strength. These words that I am giving you today are to be in your heart. Repeat them to your children. Talk about them when you sit in your house and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Bind them as a sign on your hand and let them be a symbol on your forehead. Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your city gates.